REM -- Misadventure of the Holy Grail
REM -- from the Apple II Eamon Game
REM -- translated to AGT by Michael Detlefsen, 1989


MESSAGE 1
You see a strange procession of bath-robed figures approaching.  They are
singing a loud chant in Esperanto and periodically they hit their heads with
book-shaped objects with happy faces painted on them. They file past you and
out of sight.  You wonder if this has any significance.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 2
Have a nice day!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 3
You see a grotesque old troll sitting on a caribou.  He cackles wildly and says
in a croaking voice, 'You seek the Holy Grail?  Find the wizard beyond the
frozen waste.  He knows of a cave where there is much danger!  Beyond the cave
lies your goal!  Seek ... the Creek of Doom!  But be prepared for death many
times in your travels, and do not let this discourage you.  They who do not
go through the veil of death to the other side shall not attain the goal.'
Cackling, the old troll kicks the caribou in the ribs several times, shouts
'Hiyo Silver, awaaayyyyy!' and disappears down the trail.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 4
A secret panel in the wall bursts open and several blue-suited men leap out!
'Noooo one expects the Internal Revenue Service!' screams the leader.  'Our
weapon is surprise! That's all--just surprise!'   'Uh, what about fear?' asks
an auditor.

'Oh, yes, all right, surprise and fear,' the leader replies.  The same auditor
asks, 'And a fanatical devotion to the...'  'Shut up!' howls the leader. 'Now
see what you've done?!?  The whole effect's ruined!!  Just forget the whole
thing!'

And with that the men file back through the secret door and it seals without
a trace.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 5
Before you can leave, a head pokes over a wall and says in a thick Scottish
accent, 'Sooo... another greedy adventurer-type chasing after the Grail!  Scoop
potatoes, you hollow-headed animal product shoveller!  Your mother was a
gerbil, and your father drank the Diet Pepsi!  Go away from here, you stupid
computer adventurrrrrrer with the brains of a frog, eh?  Hang around here any
longer and just see what happens!'  The head then vanishes back behind the 
wall of the castle.

You think for a few moments, but can't come up with anything better than
screaming 'Oh, yeah?'.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 6
You see that there are already several people at this spot in the Velveeta
Forest.  They pause briefly, see that you are making no overtly hostile
moves, and continue.

The minstrel opens his mouth, clears his throat several times, strums his
lute, and breaks a string.  He says "Mil Diabloj!" in annoyance, and rummages
around in his pack to find a replacement.  He doesn't.

'Uh, I think that's enough singing for now, anyway' says Sir Wren, who looks
relieved.

END_MESSAGE


MESSAGE 7
As you enter the room, Dad bellows out, 'Who are you???'

'But I'm your son!' says Sherbet.  'Not you, nitwit!' Dad yells, smacking him.

Sherbet looks at you and says, 'Someone got my note and is here to rescue me!'

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 8
Uh, oh!  It looks as if you've found Don the Wizard, the one the fellow
at the 4-way stop told you about.  And he's seen you!

Don gestures dramatically and says, 'You seek the Holy Grail? To the
north lies a cave, wherein carvings made in the very rock describe the last
resting place of the Holy Grrrrail!'  He adds savagely, 'But if you are in
doubt of your courage or your strength you'd better turn back now!  For there
is death waiting ahead, and you don't look like you can handle a vicious gnat!'

He casts several fireballs at the surrounding landscape, then disappears
in a cloud of green smoke.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 9
One of the peasants sees you and immediately starts what is evidently his
favorite subject.

'You see,' Chester says, 'the modern bee is easily the most useful creature
ever to be, uh, useful to modern man.  We even have a Bee Farmer's Club,
holding bi-weekly meetings at which we....' and Chester drones on and on
and on....

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 10

The heavens part and a voice says, 'Cast this, the Sacred Dynamite Stick, at thy
enemies, who, having been delinquent in paying their back taxes, shall then
expire forthwith.'

The heavens then close.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 11
Howie screams, 'Arrrgh!  No more! No more!'.  He gives you a pot and
begs you to leave.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 12
Howie falls over dead!

I hope you are happy now.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 13
Tsk, tsk!  You'll have to buy it!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 14
You don't have any money!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 15
Howie takes your money and gives you a pot.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 16
He doesn't have any more.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 17
You lob the Sacred Dynamite Stick at the poor defenseless armadillo and blow
it to bits.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 18
Your savage blow knocks one of the Dark Knight's arms clean off!

'Just a scratch!' sneers the Dark Knight.

He picks up his sword with his other hand, and begins to swing it in your
direction.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 19
Your blow removes the Dark Knight's other arm!

'A flesh wound, nothing more!' sneers the Dark Knight.

He starts stamping on your ingrown toenails.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 20
One of the Dark Knight's legs flies off as you strike!

'Is that the best you can do?  What a wimp!' jeers the Dark Knight.
'I'm only toying with you!!'

He begins to jump in your direction, clearly intending you grievous bodily
injury.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 21
As his other leg sails off, the Dark Knight screams, 'C'mon, you big
chicken, that didn't hurt a bit!!   Nyaah, nyaah!'

The Dark Knight's torso is writhing violently on the ground as he tries
to get closer to you in order to do battle. You can hear teeth-gnashing
noises from within the visor.

He can't hurt you now, you may proceed with your quest.

END_MESSAGE


MESSAGE 22
Chester shouts, 'Come and see the Grail-snatching commie adventurers showing
their true colors!  Come and see what happens to peace-loving back-to-nature
bee farmers!'

END_MESSAGE


MESSAGE 23

Well, you're not quite dead.....

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 24

You're actually feeling much better.....

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 25

In fact, you are fully recovered!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 26

To be completely honest, you can go on from where you left off!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 27

Sorry, squire, but just when you seemed about to recover, you felt the
Icy Hand of Death upon you!

This time you are really, truly dead!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 28

Be ye Male or Female? (answer M or F, caps only)

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 29
The nubile maidens of the Castle Asthma overwhelm you and drag you to the
nether regions of the Castle.  A violent fight breaks out over who gets you
first, and you are accidently dropped down three flights of stairs.  Onto your
head.  (Next time, pay more attention to the signs!)

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 30
The nubile young maidens were expecting Sir Galahad, or at least someone of
that gender, and so they throw you off the tower into the moat, where the
crocodiles make short work of you.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 31
You can't leave until you take care of the Dark Knight.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 32
You hear a violent commotion and turn to see what is going on.

You see a knight being dragged bodily from the castle.  It is the famous
Sir Galahad, and he is shouting, 'Wait!  Wait!  I didn't finish searching the
castle yet!  Just a few more hours!  Surely a few days won't matter!  Weeks
at the most!'

The large knight doing the dragging is none other than the mighty Sir
Launcelot.  He appears to be very irritated, and shouting 'Pay attention to
what we are supposed to be doing!'.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 33
There's not much point to that, anymore.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 34

You wasted too much time sight-seeing and the Dark Knight jabs his sword
through you!

You are dead!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 35
You're going to have to watch that habit of yours of trying to kill anything
that moves.  It's not friendly.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 36
In a coordinated move, you all rush Chester and pound his body into the
earth.  Since he would have fainted if you had even blinked, this could
be considered a case of over-kill.  He's dead.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 37
Attacking the Knights Who Say 'Boo' was a serious mistake, since it takes
them all of 3 seconds to bring your party to its knees by screaming 'Boo!'.
The sound reverberates through the fiber of your being, shaking your hold
on reality.  Finally, you give up and die.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 38
You see two figures here.  One is a dignified figure, standing straight and
tall, the other is sitting on the ground with a large round object and
several birds.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 39
You trudge north and blunder into a party of Knights standing around a
poor, pathetic pot.  They are criticizing it roundly.  You can see the
cracks appearing in the poor thing as they verbally abuse it.

The Head Knight of Boo stops, turns, looks at you, and says:

'We are the Knights who say 'Boo'!  If you do not appease us with some
pottery, you shall not pass!  Go, and do not return until you can
pay the price!'  They start saying 'Boo' in loud voices, and you feel
as if your head was going to burst.  You scream and run around in circles,
covering your ears, and finally stumbling to the south, from whence you came.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 40
You swing your pitiful little sword at the 4-Headed Knight, and by some
incredible chance, you connect in a vital spot.  The enemy falls, and you
have to scramble to avoid the toppling figure.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 41
The 4-Headed Knight lops your head off with a mighty back-hand swipe.
You loose interest in the battle.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 42
You swing wildly at the 4-Headed Knight, and miss by a mile. The enemy
viciously returns your attack.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 43
Not a chance, with old Eight-Eyes standing there huffing and puffing and
waving his sword around.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 44
Howie considers the matter carefully, nods slowly, and say, 'I think I
may have something that will do the job.'  He reaches around to the back
of the cart and pulls out a beautiful pot.  He looks at your inventory
and says, 'That little chest should cover the cost, including VAT.' He
nimbly relieves you of the jewel chest, placing the pot in your hands.
He drives away rapidly, leaving you coughing in the dust.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 45
Howie looks at you in disbelief.  'You don't have anything to pay for it
with!  Begone!'

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 46
The Head Knight of Boo spots the pottery and gleefully tears it from
your grasp.

The Knights of Boo admire the lovely pottery, and make appreciative
noises.  Finally, the Head Knight of Boo turns to you and says, 'This
pottery is perfect.  We want.......  another pot!'  The Knights of Boo
cavort merrily about, laughing themselves sillier.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 47
The Knights of Boo shriek in panic at someone using their own weapon
against them.  They run in all directions and soon disappear from sight,
although the sounds of thrashing about in the forest continue for a
while.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 48
The Knights of Boo won't let you go that way!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 49
Before you can leave, you hear a swishing sound, and a shape comes arcing
through the air, to bury itself in the ground at your feet.  You jump back a
few paces in alarm, and look around suspiciously.  Nothing else happens.
There is now a crossbow bolt here, with a note tied to it.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 50
You lunge at the first guardsman, and manage to get under his guard.  His
sword breaks!  He stands there, stupidly looking at the stub of the sword,
while you laugh nastily, 'Har, Har!'.  You wave your sword at him, and he
whimpers and runs out the door.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 51
You manage to beat down the second guardsman and severely wound him.  He
will be out of action for a long time.  A nurse rushes on from nowhere,
looks at you reproachfully, and escorts the wounded fellow off to an
unknown destination.  You look around, but can't see where they have
gone.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 52
The third guardsman slips and gets off balance.  You give him a mighty
blow which renders him senseless, putting him out of the swordplay picture.
Several prop men run in and cart him off.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 53
The fourth guardsman panics at your superb swordsmanship (and the sight of
your companions behind you).  He screams, 'This wasn't in my contract!!',
slips through the door and vanishes.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 54
You flail around with your sword with great vigor, but no results.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 55
You execute a neat riposte, but the effect is somewhat spoiled by the
fact that you missed by a mile (1.624 kilometers).

You hear snickers off-stage.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 56
There is no fencing term for the move you just performed, with the
possible exception of the word 'clumsy'.  Whatever it was, it didn't
work.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 57
Your opponent smiles hugely and says, 'You must have learned sword-fighting
at a carpentry school!'  You wish now that you had taken the time to read
the instruction manual that came with your sword.  Maybe you're holding
it by the wrong end.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 58
You neatly carve a chunk out of a nearby wall.  You'll have to watch your
footing because of all the fragments of wall laying around.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 59
Your opponent yawns and starts to clean his fingernails. You should have
paid more attention to Basic Slaughter Techniques at knight school.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 60
You missed!  What are you trying to do, kill him of old age?

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 61
As you enter the main hall of the castle, all the guests start screaming
and running off.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 62
Prince Sherbet has exited down the sheets hanging out the window while
you weren't looking.

Dad looks around, appalled by the desertion of his guards.  He looks at
you and says, 'Uh, I, uh......'.  He shakes himself, looks carefully at
your sword, and smiles brightly at you.

'Hi! Enjoying the party?  Nice of you to furnish the entertainment. Much
more exciting than the jugglers.  Uh, are you going to do anything else?'

He begins to perspire heavily when you don't reply.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 63
Prince Sherbet has zipped down the sheets hanging out the window while
you weren't looking.

Dad looks around, appalled by the desertion of his guards.  He looks at
you and says, 'Uh, I, uh......'.  He shakes himself, looks carefully at
your sword, and smiles brightly at you.

'Hi! Enjoying the party?  Nice of you to furnish the entertainment. Much
more exciting than the jugglers.  Uh, are you going to do anything else?'

He begins to perspire heavily when you don't reply.

'Ummm, since Prince Sherbet is gone, would you be interested in learning the
ukelele?  I already paid for the lessons...'.  His voice fades as he sees the
baleful glare you give him.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 64
You barely finish saying the words when there is a loud clap of thunder,
and the altar moves slowly to one side.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 65
You are surprised by a gigantic turkey, who flaps his wings and makes
loud turkey noises.  It seems to be looking for food.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 66
You hear the loud twanging noise of a catapult, accompanied by the shouts
and insults of the Scottish soldiers on the parapet.  Dozens of objects
descend upon you from the sky.  Most of them are squawking and angry, and
fly or crawl away.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 67
You reach out to get the parrot, who suddenly comes to life and bites your
finger.  It looks at you and shrieks, 'The secret word is BLANCMANGE'!  It
bites you again, and flies off.  You ponder this, and wonder if it can be
a bit in the way of a mystical experience.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 68
You look in the mirror.  A truly horrible sight stares back at you.  You
see a person in a raggedy suit of armor with the word 'REJECT' stamped on
his forehead.  Across the front of your visor, it says, 'Hi, my name is
Delbert!'.  The predominant color of your attire is green.  You'd have to
like green a lot to wear this much of it.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 69
You look in the mirror.  A truly horrible sight stares back at you.  You
see a person in a raggedy suit of armor with the word 'REJECT' stamped on
her forehead.  Across the front of your visor, it says, 'Hi, my name is
Griselda!'.  The predominant color of your attire is blue.  You'd have to
like blue a lot to wear this much of it.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 70
It's part of the immovable stand.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 71
The Vicious Turkey of Philadelphia flies into an insane rage and pecks you
to death on the spot!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 72
You throw the feed sack to the ground, where it bursts open, spilling
the delicious seed upon the snow.  The turkey leaps upon the seed,
consumes most of it rapidly, and wanders off to find a place for a siesta.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 73
Wrong move!  The armadillo leaps into action and rips your throat right out
instantly.  You have been killed by....... the Terrible Armadillo!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 74
You throw the Sacred Stick of Dynamite at the poor little creature.  The
stick arcs through the air, twirling slightly, with the sunlight
reflecting off the baroque decorations on the sides.  The armadillo
tries to escape, but to no avail.  BOOM!  The dynamite explodes almost
right on top of the fleeing shape.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 75
OK, you count to four.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 76
You throw the Sacred Dynamite Stick at the armadillo.  It bounces several
times, and comes to rest several feet from the savage creature.  The 'dillo
looks at the grenade, blinks several times, then looks at you.  A voice
from behind you says, 'You forgot to count to seven, uh, four!'.  You
whirl to look, but don't see who spoke.  You hear the armadillo making
strange noises.  He's laughing at you.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 77
It says, 'This isn't the right inscription!  --  Don the Wizard'.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 78
It says, 'Canada is most beautiful in the summer, though the
          caribou can be murder!  A caribou once bit my aunt!'

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 79
It says, 'The Grail may be found in the castle of Oops!'

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 80
You can't.  The Yellow Beast isn't permitted to let you roam around unless
you meet the conditions.  You must say The Secret Word.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 81
Aaaaiiieeee!  You've found the Yellow Beast of Oops!  A whimper escapes
your lips as you are too terrified to Run Away!  You close your eyes and
wait for death.  After a few moments, it occurs to you that nothing fatal
has occurred, so you cautiously open one eye.  You see the Yellow Beast
sitting calmly a few feet away, regarding you with most of its eyes.

It speaks slowly: 'I have been charged by the Cavemaster with the
responsibility of making sure that only those suitable pass farther into
the cave.  You must speak The Secret Word before you may continue.  You
only get one try.' It seems to settle down for a long stay, and looks at
you expectantly.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 82
The Yellow Beast looks at you suspiciously, then digs out a small piece
of paper and examines it carefully.

'That's yesterday's Secret Word!' it cries triumphantly.  'It doesn't work
today!'  The Yellow Beast leaps upon you and tears you apart.  Mid-way into
the process, you lose interest.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 83
You attack the Yellow Beast of Oops.  It sighs, and pounds you into the
rocky soil.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 84
You feed the parrot the remainder of the bird seed.  You hear a few
muttered complaints, but you can't quite make out the words themselves.
The parrot finishes up the feed, looks around, and comes over to you.

The parrot leans close and says in a whisper, 'The Secret Word is really
LUPIN.  I lied before.'  It then bites your finger, and flies away.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 85
The Yellow Beast looks at you suspiciously, then digs out a small piece
of paper and examines it carefully.

'That's tomorrow's Secret Word!' it cries triumphantly.  'It doesn't work
until midnight!'  It claps a hand over its mouth.  'Uh, oh!  Now I have to
kill you!'  The Yellow Beast leaps upon you and everything goes black.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 86
The Yellow Beast looks at you suspiciously, then digs out a small piece
of paper and examines it carefully.

'That's a Secret Word, all right, but it's only valid if you are a member
of the Spanish Inquisition!  Let's see your membership card.'  When you
fail to produce one, the Yellow Beast bites your head off.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 87
Don't Panic!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 88
The skaters are practicing the compulsory figures, except for one lone
skater over there at the side, who seems to be cutting large letters in
the ice.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 89
The letters spell out:

T H E  S E C R E T  W O R D  I S :  D O S T O E V S K I

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 90
The skaters are practicing the compulsory figures.  There seems to be a
waiting line to use the ice.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 91
The parrot flies overhead and shrieks: 'Reflect on the tapestry!'.  It
disappears in the distance.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 92
You carefully look at the tapestry in the mirror.  After several moments,
you see that there are words woven into the background that were not
evident before.  It says, 'The Secret Word is LARCH! (No, really)'.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 93
You see the parrot here, chuckling softly to itself.  It sees you, and
breaks out into hysterical laughter.  It swiftly moves out of your reach.

It finally recovers enough to speak.  'All right.  It wasn't fair, but
you are sooooo gullible.  I'll give you a hint.'  It whips some cards
out of its vest pocket and holds them up for your perusal.  Written on
each is a number.  From left to right, they read:

    5.8   5.7   5.8   5.6   5.6   5.2   5.8

'Personally, I'd give you a 4.1, but then *I've* actually had to talk with
you.'  With a winning smile, the parrot returns the cards from whence they
came, and leaps into the air.  'Up, up, and awaaaaay!', it shrieks.

It then flies off, doing several Immelmanns before it gets out of sight.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 94
The letters spell out:

T H E

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 95
The letters spell out:

T H E  S E C R E T

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 96
The letters spell out:

T H E  S E C R E T  W O R D

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 97
The letters spell out:

T H E  S E C R E T  W O R D IS:

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 98
She's not finished with the last word yet!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 99
You see some skaters on the ice.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 100
Before you can move, the parrot flutters to the ground a few feet away from
you.  You stop to look at it.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 101
The Yellow Beast looks at you in pity.  'You've tried that one, mate.  And
it didn't work any better the first time.'  He leaps towards you.....

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 102
The Yellow Beast blinks in astonishment (and it's some sight, what with 42
eyes).  'You are correct!', it says.  'You may now pass.  I'm going to
lunch.'  It waddles off singing to itself.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 103
Okay.  '$NOUN$'

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 104
There, before you, still cackling, is the old troll from the 4-way stop.

'Halt!', he cries.  'He who would cross the Creek of Doom must answer three
questions, before you may attain the other side!'

'Are ye ready for the first question?'

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 105
The old troll won't let you cross the creek until you answer the questions.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 106
Without the old troll making a move or a sound, you feel yourself lifted
from the ground and hurled into the creek.  Weighed down by all the armor,
you quickly drown.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 107
The old troll raises one eyebrow slightly, as if surprised you knew the
answer.  'Correct!', he bellows.

'Are ye ready for the second question?"

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 108
The old troll is apparently innured to nasty shocks, for he doesn't even
look surprised when you get this one correct.  'Correct!', he proclaims.

'Are ye ready for the third question?'

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 109
The old troll looks disgusted.  'Well, shoot!  Things are no fun around
here anymore.  I'm going to the Creek of Doom up near Dunston Woods.'
He looks at you with an evil grin.  'Come up and see me sometime!'

The old troll hobbles off to the west.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 110
It's a mirror.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 111
There, on a small table made of olive wood, is the Holy Grail!  An appropriate
heavenly chorus sings a few bars as you spot it.

There is a rattling and clanking as several knights walk out of the dark-
ness at the other end of the hall.

The Head Scottish Knight speaks: 'So, you silly English adventurrrerr!  We
meet again!  I shall have further reason to taunt you severely after we
bash your silly English brains out!  Prepare to fight!'

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 112
There is a small boat approaching you.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 113
The small boat comes up beside you in the shallows (to the north).  There
is no one on board!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 114
You wade out to investigate, and enter the boat.  You companions hang back,
fearful of any loose magic.  Suddenly, with a wailing noise louder than a
banshee, a mysterious white vehicle carrying a number of white-clad people
screaming things such as: 'Hey, you people, halt! Stop!', and "I don't have
the strait-jackets, I thought YOU had them!"

An even larger vehicle screams to a stop, and your companions are all forced
inside.  The demons see you and start yelling, 'You there, you are under
arrest!'.  You can't oblige them, however, as the boat seems to be pulling
away of its own volition.  All too soon, it covers the distance to the
island whereupon the Castle of Oops! lies.  It stops at a shabby dock.
You may exit to the east, or sit here and starve.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 115
The minstrel yells in panic (but with perfect pitch), and rushes off.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 116
You scream and attack the Scottish knights like a mad-man.  Two of the
knights are so unnerved by your shout, that they fail to defend themselves,
and are dispatched quickly.  The others dance out of the way, bumping
into one another.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 117
You try the scream again!  Unfortunately, your throat is so hoarse from
the last one that all that comes out is a strangled high-pitched whine.
The Scottish Knights start yelling, 'Mosquitos!  Mosquitos!  Help! Arrrr!',
and two of remaining soldiers succeed in taking themselves out of the fray
as they wave their weapons about madly, trying to swat non-existent insects.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 118
The Head Scottish Knight raises his sword to do battle, and suddenly stops
when a voice from the back of the hall says, 'Lunch break, everybody!'.
All the knights on the ground get up, dust themselves off, and walk to
the back of the hall, where they disappear through a small doorway.  The
Head Scottish Knight grins at you and in a voice with a pronounced Bronx
accent says, 'Nice footwork.", and also disappears through the doorway.

You look around.  It's just you and the Holy Grail.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 119
You walk out the door of the castle, carrying the Holy Grail. There is a
curious fog surrounding the place now.  It sure wasn't here before.  You raise
your sword in case there are more enemies outside, and the blade falls right
off.  You see a few fragments of some clear tape in the socket where the
blade went.  You look stupidly at them for a few moments and sit down, your
brain spinning.  You hear a voice in the distance say 'Pat!  Where's that
Prop Person?'.  A few moments later the insistent voice says loudly, 'Pat,
where are you?'.  You can't see where the voice is coming from.

'AH HA!' the voice shrieks, a hand clamping on your shoulder.  You jump to your
feet and whirl to face the new-comer, dropping the sword handle as you do.

A large man is facing you and speaks in a familiar voice.  'Come on, Pat!  Get
a move on!  We sent you for the Grail before lunch.  Hand it over, we have
to get back to work on that last scene.'  He grabs the Grail out of your hands.
'We've got to wrap this up this afternoon, it's going to rain.'  As you
shuffle after him, you realize that there ARE worse things than coming to a
nasty end at the Creek of Doom.  Such as being in the movie business.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 120
Not without what you came for, you're not!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 121
Not while any of the Scottish Knights are around!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 122
Dad blinks several times.  'Hey, where'd you get that?  There's an old family
legend to the effect that saying the magic incantation STEALTH BOMBER
in the right place can alter things for the better.  A great holy treasure
was supposed to go along with the deal.  Well, gotta go!  We'll have to
have another party Real Soon Now......'.  He casually sidles over to the
window, and leaps over the edge, grabbing at the sheet as he does.  There is
a loud splash a few seconds later.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 123
The guards won't let you!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 124
Counting to seven doesn't accomplish much, however proud you might be
of the feat.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 125
It points north and says 'North'.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 126
You are surprised by two figures, one looking fairly ordinary, the other
looking exactly like an extra large squirrel.

The human-looking one turns to the other and says, 'I don't know, Daar, I sure
thought it was around here somewhere.  It's hard to lose a Gate.  We'll just
have to keep searching.'

To your amazement, the squirrel replies.  'It's a logical place to hide one
to keep casual discovery to a minimum, all right.  Let's go.'

They nod agreeably to you and continue their journey.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 127
You're in it.  It's a boat.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 128
You attempt to walk to the north, but are prevented by an invisible force!
As you watch, fiery letters (Bodoni Bold 300 point) appear in the air!

    'Before ye may proceed, ye must first answer this question!

    Be ye Male or Female?  (Don't abbreviate)'

(Please note that when responding to questions or talking with characters,
you must preface your answers or statements with the word SAY)



END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 129
The force disappears, and more words appear in front of you.

    'OK, Sir Knight, you may now proceed to your doom.'



END_MESSAGE


MESSAGE 130
The force disappears, and more words appear in front of you.

    'OK, Lady Knight, you may now proceed to your doom.'



END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 131
You don't know where it's been!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 132
Well, you have really done it!  You are dead!  Well, not really, since you
are being sent back to the starting room of the game (without a scratch).

Good luck, and we hope you have learned something from this!

You feel a bit dizzy, clouds of smoke billow around you, and you find
yourself back at your starting point.

END_MESSAGE

 
MESSAGE 133

                  A sudden darkness with howling winds
                  sweeps over you and when it passes, you
                  find yourself in England, 926 A.D.--the
                  time of King Arthur.



                   (Swedish subtitle)
                  Yer svenkmal de yeg nimborfin glosdemm
                  den bisurvan darvekka mit sargna puten
                  yae pussen, vene nit yenglan verr sofen
                  926 a.d.--- bie dissyamla Liv Ullmann.

END_MESSAGE


MESSAGE 134

                  Without warning, the heavens part and a
                  blinding light envelops you and a deep
                  bass voice appropriate for a scene of
                  divine revelation such as this says to
                  you, 'Your quest is to find the Holy
                  Grail, most noble knight!'





                  Nejinkem bjorn borg yae posten!  Sweden
                  is most pleasant to visit in the summer
                  when the flowers bloom in the sunshine,
                  although you must watch out for caribou
                  that roam wild.   A caribou once bit my
                  aunt Vilma!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 135

                  The voice continues, 'You will face the
                  many deadly perils that lie ahead, but
                  you will also have many allies, such as
                  Sir Launcelot, Sir Galahad, Sir Bedivere,
                  Sir Wren, and others.



                   No, really!  She was training the caribou
                  to hang-glide and cook Dutch chocolate fudge
                  brownies when, for no reason, it just hauled
                  off and bit her!  Yumpin' yimminy, de caribou
                  been taking over everything!  I cannot take a
                  bath without six or seven caribou yumping
                  in with me!!

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 136

                  The programmer wishes to  announce that
                  the persons responsible for writing the
                  previous narrative have been fired.  He
                  has hired several novelists to finish
                  up in a more professional style...

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 137

                  The voice concludes, 'You must find the
                  Holy Grail or you will be lost in this
                  strange world forever!  I bid you good
                  luck and farewell!'  And with that, the
                  heavens close with a clang.




                  Priscilla decided she would never try
                  to return to Barkley Manor.  Claude knew
                  of her terrible secret and yet she was
                  still filled with longing for him.  Her
                  bosom heaved with hot emotion as she
                  realized a large caribou was drinking out
                  of her glass of Perrier...

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 138

                  The programmer wishes to announce that
                  he has terminated the novelists and hired a
                  communications expert from California at
                  the last minute and very great expense
                  to finish the narrative.

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 139

whoopie granola mellowness
   whoopie granola mellowness
      whoopie granola mellowness
         whoopie granola mellowness
            whoopie granola mellowness
               whoopie granola mellowness
                  whoopie granola mellowness
               whoopie granola mellowness
            whoopie granola mellowness
         whoopie granola mellowness
      whoopie granola mellowness
whoopie granola mellowness
     whoopie granola mellowness
         whoopie granola mellowness
            whoopie granola mellowness
               whoopie granola mellowness
                  whoopie granola mellowness
                     whoopie granola mellowness
                       whoopie granola mellowness
                          whoopie granola mellowness
                             whoopie granola mellowness




END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 140






                        One moment please!

                  Changing reels in the projection booth
                  (---go and get some popcorn---)





END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 141

Your score just went up 107 points!  (Or maybe it was down 31...)

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 142

Your score just went up 94 points! (Just kidding)

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 143

Your score just went up 31 points! (But only if you are playing the
Esperanto version of the game)

END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 144

Your score just went up 56 points! (But it went to pay off a Karma debt) 

END_MESSAGE


MESSAGE 145

Your score just went down 132 points! (Unless you have a Get Out of 
Jail Free card or have a cat whose name begins with the letter J)

END_MESSAGE

